"A Guide to Men" by Helen Rowland - 02 - Bachelors (First Interlude)

BACHELORS THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he can soak up all the sentiment and flattery a woman has to offer him, without ever spilling a drop. A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to dodge, that he is willing to amuse every pretty girl he meets, by handing her a rope and daring her to catch him. A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely surrounded by caution and fortified at all points by suspicion. His chief products are wild oats and cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony; his undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word, "Give me liberty or give me death!" The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into matrimony, nowadays, that he sprinkles the path of love with ashes instead of with roses. The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself would inspire even the duenna of a fashionable boarding school with envy.[24] A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up to one. He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself to one woman in order that he may scatter sweetness and light amongst the multitude. There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor as flirting with the "idea of marriage"-with his fingers crossed. He just loves to "consider marrying" in the abstract and to go about pitying himself for being so "lonely." There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that must be driven into matrimony with a whip; the kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the kind that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts. If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's life, first make it dark and dreary; so long as women are willing to make his existence one long sweet song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for a lullaby.[25] When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in these days of bachelor comforts and the deification of single-blessedness, she has a revelation of human unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of the world. That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not so often the result of brain-fag from an overworked mind as of heart-fag from overworking the emotions. Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains; old bachelors see it through a fog. Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever! A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse will-power that keeps him from marrying, whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse won't-power. One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty is that he has fought so long and so hard to escape the hook that there is no more fight left in him.[26] Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares definitely, "No woman can get me!" Wait until he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs regretfully, "No woman will have me!" The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the platinum one on a woman's third finger. A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor. FIRST INTERLUDE IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns-and turns-and turns! There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the quickest and surest is-another love. If there were only two women and one man in the world, the man would marry the brunette and then spend the rest of his life peeping over her shoulder and trying to flirt with the blonde. A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead love; a man wisely cremates it, and plants a new love in the ashes. A fool and her money are soon courted. A woman's pity for a man who loves her against her will may be akin to love; but a man's pity for a woman who loves him without his permission is a twin brother to boredom. Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a chance to gratify her vanity, pacify her family, mortify her rivals, and electrify her friends, all at the same time. Marriage is sweet![28] Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman around by the hair and makes the civilized man permit a woman to drag him around by the nose. The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where she is constantly burning incense and candles before a succession of idols of clay. Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven seems to disappear with his milk-teeth and to reappear again with his false teeth. To most men "repentance" is merely the interval between the headache and the next temptation. Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a species of poison ivy. Even Satan could find a woman to call him "Dearie," if he would simply tell her that all he needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting influence." A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but he always feels hurt and indignant if she refuses to take it back again after he has finished with it.[29] Woman's love-a mirror in which a man beholds himself glorified, magnified and deified. Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life, but never make the mistake of fancying that you are his whole planetary system. A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion and her reputation snow-white. But a man is satisfied if he can just manage to keep his so that they comply with the pure food laws. Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers through its hair; a career is absorbing, but you can't tie ribbons on the curls of your brain-children; work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder to cry on! When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted; he is merely astonished that she could be so blind to her own feelings. A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half her time in making herself alluring-and the other half in yearning for something to "lure."[30] When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that all his old sweethearts are wondering how she did it, and that all her old sweethearts are wondering why. Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it an "ideal" and begin trying to make it a square deal. Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires that grayish look which comes from the constant contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color after the wedding. Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor how it is going to strike you-the only difference being that, after one attack of appendicitis, your curiosity is perfectly satisfied. No matter how many men have tried to flirt with her, a girl will step cheerfully up to the altar in the firm belief that she has found the one perfect human being in trousers who will never look at another woman.[31] After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her. A man recuperates so much more quickly from his remorse than a woman does from her indignation that by the time she has forgiven him he is tired of being good and ready to sin again. Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it. A man can never understand how a woman gets so much joy out of leading him all the way to the threshold of love and then sweetly closing the door in his face. Solitaire-the married woman's game. A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his greatest possession, self-possession; and his greatest love-Oh, well, you fill in the rest.[32] Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her-when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape from a foolish entanglement is like rushing under a trolley car in order to escape from a taxicab. Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide for love of a man, is to marry him and worry herself to death over him. A good wife is always her husband's "guide, philosopher and friend"; also his guardian, digestion, conscience, time-table and valet. A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman never knows when to say it. A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband. A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's that stained-glass attitude with which he decides to "give them up" when he is tired of them that exasperates her so. A MAN DOESN'T WANT A WIFE WHO PLACES HIM ON A PEDESTAL OR KEEPS HIM ON A FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE WHO WILL TAKE HIM AS A MERE MAN-AND LET HIM GO ON BEING "MERE"